So.. welcome to my blog... today was suppose to be a Paper Hoarders post, but I couldn't make it thru the tears to make something... Thank you to the DT for understanding. We truly have the best ladies ever!!!
Today is my baby sister's birthday and she would have been 33 today. As some of you know, she joined our LORD on Dec 6, 2011. Yes, too soon and while we should be blessed for the time we did have with her... the pain of losing her still really PISSES ME OFF!!! Why in the world would my sister do that?? Why the HELL did I not see it?? Why couldn't I help her? Why couldn't I SAVE HER???? I ask myself this all the time and get no where.. really fast. I have tried to be strong. Strong not only for my family, but for the 3 kiddos she left behind. I think of them and curse her.. why the HELL would you leave your babies?? You were the strongest person I know. Who will take Mae to go shopping for her prom? Who will do all the girlie things? And what about their graduations? Their weddings.. and the grand children that won't know how wonderful their grandma is. Thinking of all of this angers me more!!!
I have spent the past couple weeks thinking about her birthday. I use to call her and say : " Happy Birthday Hootichie. I love you"... and she would say : "thank you Hootchie. I love you too" .. These few words have melted me so.. My sister did NOT like being the center of attention. She hated flowers and enjoyed the little things in life. She worked her ass off every day and felt like she got nowhere. She had lots of friends and us, her family, who loved her so much. We would always say about our birthdays.. " It is just another day to me" Or.. " I'm only 29.. AGAIN".. :) We have spent many years being " ONLY 29". So, what do we do today? Do we mourn her death or celebrate her life? Do we have the party she never wanted or not? Well, I am choosing to CELEBRATE!!! While the tears won't stop rolling down my face, I know her 3 babies need a STRONG Aunt Tanya right now, just as I need them. I ordered balloons and a cake and we are going to send the balloons to HEAVEN and whether she likes it or not.. she WILL celebrate with us. :) ( yes, I'm the bitchy big sister and always will be.. hehe) The kids don't know what my plans are as of yet, but I am sure they will LOVE the idea.
I won't promise tears won't roll down our faces, but I WILL PROMISE these kids will have me for the rest of their lives!!! The proms and graduations and weddings and babies.. ALL OF IT!!! They have said many times how I remind them of their mom. How the little things I say or do is how she would say or do them. This warms my heart so much to know they DID listen.. even when they thought they weren't. I will remind them how much their mom loved them.. and remind them that I will ALWAYS be here through good times and bad... I will always have a listening ear when they find they need to talk or cry or yell. I AM going to reassure them that they ARE WORTHY and their mom is smiling at them every day.
Having said all of this... I ask you ALL to be close to your families and the people you care about. Learn the signs of DEPRESSION and SUICIDE. Leave the mean words behind and know everyone has feelings and you never know what they are dealing with. My sister killed herself and suicide is so common an escape. Please remember that words cut deep and can't be taken back. Some people seem to have hard skins, yet inside they are hurt so deep you don't see it. We, her family, could have handled her death in a different manner had it been a car accident or something. Suicide leaves alot of whys unanswered. We will only get those answers when we pass on and join her. Her passing has left a void that has not been filled. We only hope that her kids will have a happy and fulfilling life in spite of their loss. I remind them.. " Mom is ALWAYS there."
Here are a few photos :
This is a photo of my sister. Isn't she gorgeous!! Oh I miss her so.
These are her beautiful babies..
This is my sisters, mom and I.. we had a great day.
US.. Sisters and brother.. yep, we were young..
Happy Birthday baby sister!! We love and miss you sooo much. We know you will enjoy your party and the love notes we will send to you. Rest peacefully sweet ANGEL of ours. Please watch over us all and keep us safe.
Love you more today than yesterday and more tomorrow than today.
Your bis sister...